Sunday, May 22, 2011

He sleeps

...and I am confused.

I've protected myself for so long.  Anyone who knows me knows what happened.  I opened myself up to a string of men who broke my heart and told I wasn't good enough.

I wish I could say they were terrible people hell bent on the destruction of my psyche, but that simply wouldn't be true.  Many of them were decent people who went on to be great fathers, husbands or partners.  And so I learned that it must be me.

I am combative, I am sensitive, I am not as beautiful as I once was...I fight too much, give too little and make life generally difficult for the men who encounter me.

So, I tried to explore the other spectrum and find a girlfriend.  But I found myself walling off even more.  I didn't like the constant attempts at connection, the speed with which everything seemed to move.  So I determined I was better off alone.

I dated, sure.  I even thought I was losing myself to someone a few months back who slaughtered my newly forming openness with a cruelty even the ones before him couldn't muster.

And then he came along.  Witty, charming, adorable in every way...I crave his touch the moment his hands leave my body.

And, just now, I fell asleep holding his hand...until the panic woke me and I snuck out to write this blog.

Oh God.  What do I do?  Can I sabotage this?  Make it move too fast, refuse to go any further?  Or do I go back to bed now and breathe in the smell of him and the heat of his skin?

I'm afraid.

1 comment:

  1. Demons are a bitch. You & I both know that because we have WAY more than our share. Go back to bed tonight and deal with the "consequences" tomorrow. The fact is that we don't yet know if there will be any tangible consequences, or if this just might be the first truly healthy relationship you've ever had. What can I say, I'm a fucking optimist. ;-)